i am?

i am who i am. Not who i could be. Not who i want to be. Is it nature or nurture? The world or myself? Do i take blame or lay blame? Do i ask or do i act?

depravity

alcoholic elixir floods the tongue
and depraves the senses.
opens the gate, turns out the light and unlocks the fences.
let you in. let me in. let us in and we'll swim together.
touch my skin. soft and thin. don't you think we could dance forever?

blackbirds

he falls, my father
he falls so deep
down where the black birds fly

he falls my father
the fall so steep
down where the black birds fly

it's lonely there
where now he sleeps
it's lonely where he lies,

but fast he's held
held by himself
down where the black birds fly.

if only he would look above
look up into his sky
there he'd see the family
who weep for him, who cry.

instead he stays, stays by himself
down where the black birds fly.

shadows

the dead are my shadows
and they walk with me in the silence of the night.
silent, but watchful, they are my truest companions.

the dead are my shadows
and they cry with me in the softness of the dawn.
they hold me true, when I am lost,
they are my silent salvation.

the dead are gone, and gone the dead must be
yet never will they truly go
til faded from my memory.
and so I swear to hold them close
and let them breathe a breath with me,

the dead are gone and gone must be
yet ever will they walk with me.

addict

I'm an addict
not in rehab
I'm a junkie
on the sly.
it's a fix
i can't relinquish
it's a dream
that gets me high.
there's the earth
and you're all on it
crawling south
for summer sun.
you don't see
that hot air rises
getting burnt
is half the fun.
there's a mountain
let me climb it
for to fly
I'll risk the fall.
don't you tell me
I can't try it
cause I'd rather
die
than crawl.

pearl

I am a traveller
gagged and tied.
I am the clock
that time denied.
I stepped in concrete
and the concrete was you,
bonded down
with weight for two.
but I found an axe
and chopped off my feet
my ankles are bleeding but
smiling I'll greet
this day that I walk
this day that I run
this day I discover all
there is to become.
the world is an oyster
and I am its pearl,
years in the making
my life will unfurl.
I'll challenge the dragons
I'll run til I'm free,
I am the music and
the music is me.

regrets

I sang a song, a melody
of love and chance and time.
and hoped that on the ferris wheel
of death you would be mine.
i'd lie upon your gravestone with
a smile I couldn't hide
and whisper to the darkness of
a trick I'd never tried.
it's promises and broken wings
and hope of quick salvation,
it's consequence and relevance and
fear of cold damnation.
it's acid tongue and spinning head
and laughter going flat.
one eye on the ceiling back to front and
front to back.

I sang a song, a melody
of every broken dream.
I tore them up in pieces and they
turned to boiling steam.
like hot air burns your hand they left
a scar upon my palm.
a little pile of paper and a hanging broken arm.

the rollercoaster's stopping but
I didn't loop the loop.
it's fear of what I didn't do
that causes me to stoop.
I try to hang my head to hide, to lie upon the dead
forget the sight of eyes so blue,
of blood that isn't red.

the merry-go-round

up and down
up and down
up and down
on the merry-go-round

front and back
clickety clack
don't wear black
on the merry-go-round

hush, quick, quiet now
the music's playing
softly loud

look, sleep, dream awake
the baby's crying
quick mistake.

jump, run, fast, go
beat, life, death, slow
answer question, don't know
folly shrink and mind goes...

..up, down
up, down
up, down
on the merry-go-round
left, right
blurred sight
dawn of night
on the merry-go-round

harsh pain, breath stained, heart claimed
by the merry-go-round
life lost, dreams cost, cold frost
on the merry-go-round.

honey

delight.
heavy senses thick with honey
dripping to the floor.

sticky mess, slip, don't slide.
soft and soothing. nestle close.

float up, float down.
eyes closed, eye open.
seeing what isn't visible.
tasting other people's dreams.

intoxicated. sated. educated.
drizzled on toast and eaten for breakfast.
my taste on your tongue.
tell me you like it.

surround sound stereo silence.
a bubble of nothingness.
take me away.
i'm honey, and you tell me I taste good.

with love

photographs, memories
stillframes in my mind.
treasure hunts, easter eggs
lost for me to find.

bloody sheets and pillow stained
fingers chill and numb with pain
roll the dice, you've lost the game
shadows on the windowsill.

shadowed light, on the wall
tower's high, so far to fall
broken poppy stands up tall
death in disillusion.

picture frames, melodies
songs are songs of time,
pillow fights, sister begs
mecy for the crime.

gasp for air, water blue
life in silver bubbles.
don't forget, or maybe do,
with love comes fear of troubles.

strength

strength of the tree
to bend, to break
to fall, to crawl, to lie, to die

strength of the earth
to walk, to step
to wait, to watch, to wonder why

strength of the sun
to dare, to raise, your eyes, the skies,
where there, she flies

strength of the blood
to hold your breath
then breathe again, and challenge death.

can anyone?

will someone make me understand
why you want to make them die
will someone make me understand
how you stand and watch them cry
will someone make me understand
why you want to cause them pain
explain to me, why you can't see
that everyone's the same.

tell me, please, why you believe
you've the right to shatter lives
tell me why, when millions cry
you can fall asleep at night.

can you justify, the pain you planned
when you wash the blood right off your hands
can you answer to the mother's rage
when you smile at numbers on a page.

will someone make me understand
how you lick the blood that's on your hand
smiling like it's candied sand
that you brush away to fall to land,
forgotten, stepped on, death unplanned.

can anyone make me understand?

but stop.
I don't want your words.
nothing i've not heard before.
vomit made of blood and air
can never change what happened there.

sins

i walk in my own sins
each footstep bears my weight.
the weight of promises of love
the promise not to hate.

watched on by my own young eyes
which saw with such precision.
judged by who I thought I was
damned by my own vision.

who walks there now
is not the girl
who held her head up high.
too many tears, and fears, and shame
for her to ever look the same.

with hardened heart
and fingers cold
she searches for
the girl of old
but somehow, somewhere
lost the map
and where she's gone
there's no way back.

why?

why criticise, when you can empathise?
sympathise, recognise, not terrorise.
why judge what you don't understand?
a land is waiting for your eyes to look
upon its landscapes, learn its heartaches,
why not save what you could break? Remake
yourself before you find my flaws, their flaws.
they opened up their doors so you could see their light,
but you saw night, and in your blindness thought there was
a need to fight, forgot that you're not always right.
the slight you felt was words misspelt.
cultures ill translated, led to hatred.
war is dated yesterday, lets make a change and make
tomorrow violen ce-free. Our memories are
long enough, strong enough, we know the cost
the lives we lost, just to prove that you were boss.
why can't we open up our hands, make plans that don't involve
our bombs? time is long but maybe not forgiving of the lives we're living.
No ones giving anything unless there's something in it for themselves.
the well of hope does not run dry and so although I want to cry,
I try to see the world can be a place where everyone is free,
a place where murder's no solution, where money isn't absolution,
a place where every child can play, and know no bombs will fall today.

words

words bring me peace. for they are not just lines on paper, they are thoughts. they are feelings. they are every person who spoke them and every moment they were spoken in. they are generations of history. they are the never-forgotten religion. like prayer beads in your fingers they are comfort for the mind.

birthday candles

in a quiet moment the world's potential spills out like glitter cast high into the air, catching at the edges of my vision.
A peaceful moment holds every maybe, every possibility, every dream as yet untested, waiting for the drums to roll.
the beat of the world is poised here, expectant but unhurried. It waits for just the right moment, secure in the knowledge that that moment will come, is coming.
hope is like the eternal flame, the neverending birthday candle that will not be blown out. douse it with water, if you will, but I challenge you not to be able to find something to hope for.
it is the precious slice of possibility that waits like breakfast on the plate. all you need to do is look.

questions

your tongue slides upon your lips
so slow, you know I watch you.
your hand caresses, slow seduces
you want me to imagine
skin upon skin
tongue to tongue
hip to hip
or maybe you like it dirtier than that?

is this what you think I'm thinking?
can you tell I see your shoulders not in that chair but
above my naked body?
can you feel the sweat slide down back beneath my fingertips?
can you hear the catch of my breath as you breathe into me?
questions. questions.
do you want me to answer them?

pieces

you want pieces of me
to chop up like paper
and add to your collection,
to stick in your scrapbook,
to hang on your wall.

you want pieces of me
torn off like coupons,
redeem for special offers,
hurry - there's a used by date.

you want pieces of me,
but I'm only stickytaped together,
if you pull too hard
I'll come apart
scattered on the floor.

You want pieces of me
and I don't know if I can give them
or if they'll be pretty enough
to hang on your wall -
don't mistake them for toilet paper.

stolen flowers

the other day I picked a bunch of flowers
stolen from the garden down the road
I walked with them in sunshine
and I took them in a dream
to a place where she is sleeping
with a vase beside her bed.

the other day I picked a bunch of flowers
and with a smile I thought how she would laugh,
to see me as I snuck them from that garden,
and ran with them, that lonely dreamer's path.

adrift

Heart sickened and fingers stiff
Brain skewered, slowly spinning
life, fragments of everyone's living.

Heart sickened and tongue is stiff
words empty their original meaning
into a whirlpool that only goes down.

Heart sickened and heart adrift.

moment

no words
no feelings
every feeling
all at once.

a second
and an hour
indistinguished
unimportant.

A moment
nonexistent,
a forever
that was lost,

mortality, reality,
so dark, so dark, the cost.

beyond

I search the sky
for a path to beyond.
my footsteps on fallen stars,
my road fallen darkness.

I look to beyond
for a here that's not now
a morning not yesterday
truth yet undiscovered.

I look to the stars
for a path to beyond
a future that waits
a dream taking shape.

I reach to beyond
for a life that fulfils
a life that won't shatter
when the mirror falls down.